FULL STEAM AHEAD

Mar 26, 2021 | Newsletter

I’ll start with the big news. The work vending machine now takes cards. Wow-wee-wow! I had to treat myself to a packet of Brown Hulers to celebrate. The novelty, the waste and the low-level glamour of putting one euro on m’card! Was it worth it? Absa-effing-lutley. 10/10 would recommend to a friend.

The Glamour Continues

Item two for the parish. Esther (me. I am Esther) bought a hand steamer and is beside herself. If you are LUCKY ENOUGH to know me in real life I’ve probably told you about this and brought it up several times in conversation. Now it’s your turn to join me on a journey of utter mundanity. 

It’s first spin was on le manky couch and William H. Macey, I squealed like a giddy pig after seeing how much gunk came through. So satisfying. But lest you think that’s all the Lidl Silvercrest Hand Held Steamer can do, men and gentleladies, it comes with an additional FIVE attachment heads. Blessed be the G-damn fruit.

Next port of call was my bath which has not been cleaned since I moved in. Now before you call Mrs. Hinch, I am not a total grossy josey. My house was in complete bits until February and had no heating until January. I was using the bath as a place to store shite so it was in a heap. Enter stage right, Esther’s and her amazing, technicolour steamer!

This called for what is known in the steam clean biz as ‘the pointy nozzley one’. The dirt was so ingrained, the nozzle was like a pen cutting through the muck. I wrote several profound things including ‘willy’ and ‘esther is cool’. It was fun, sure, but I curious to see what else this bad boy could do so I selected what the pros call the ‘roundy brushy one’. What happened next, no one (me) saw coming. You know the scene in Jurassic Park where the guy is trying to escape with the embryos and he crashes the jeep and falls in the mud and then a cutesy pootsie dinosaur comes over and starts cooing but it turns out he’s not cute and then his frill neck collar pops up and he shrieks and spits poison in the baddy’s eyes? That is what the roundy one sounded like. I nearly pooped twice and died. The steam cleaner gave me so much mundane joy and if I were Oprah I’d buy one of each of you. 

Following on from my wild adventures with the hand steamer, you could be forgiven for thinking I am too glam and important to do boner shrinking tasks. Certainly, I do own a Dyson and yes, I have shopped alongside Twink, but I have my size 6’s firmly on le ground. Why take this past Saturday when I went and renewed my driving licence in Citywest. Malfortunately, the journey took longer than I expected so I missed my pre-booked slot and had to join the electronic muggle queue. The digital sign told me I had about a two hour wait so I texted a friend and we went and Harry Pottered around Citywest Shopping Centre. Thankfully they have a Dunne’s Home there although the only brand they were pushing was Carolyn Donnelly Eclectic. I used to be a big CD fan but more recently, I’ve tipped over to Considered by Helen James, just so you know where I’m coming from. 

Now because me and my friend Jan are total A1 coolies, we have a pattern, unique to us, for when we go to Dunnes. I will take you through it now. Our Dunne’s experience usually takes place in the one in Rathmines and here is the routine we favour most. 1. We meet in 250 Coffee beside the swimming pool which we call Sniff My Beans for reasons I choose not to go into here. 2. We move to the Swan Centre, starting at the clothes bit. We’re not really interested in this area but we were well raised and don’t want to be mean. 3. A more recent addition to our Rathmines jaunts is a quick browse in Carraig Donn. Here, I mostly take pictures of the (to my taste) heinous homewares. If you’re a grown woman looking for a glass piggy bank with ‘Prosecco Fund’ written on the side, Carraig Donn is the place for you. 4. Next up, our prize, the Rathmines Dunnes Stores Home section. They’ve got all the lads here. The Micheal, the Francis, the Paul and the two best women, the Carolyn and the Helen. This is where our routine really gets sexy.  We like to chat and wander from section to section, picking up every single candle. Not every single one Esther? Oh yes, yes. Every. Single. One. We might miss a great smell or a totally shiteous one otherwise. We sniff for ourselves first and then we shove them underneath the other’s smellers. Now, I’m not mad about shopping and we very rarely buy anything (the staff love us) but our DS trips are so boring and predictable and soothing, I focking love them. 

Anyhoo, after giving the Citywest DS a whirl, we rushed back to join the queue for my new license with ten minutes to spare. The picture they took was almost as heinous as the glass piggy bank but at least I can legally drive a tractor if I want to for the next decade. 

P.S The 80% with Esther O’Moore Donohoe is now available on Spotify if you are into that type of thing. Here is the link